I think I might be pregnant. Which wouldn't necessarily be the worst thing in the world, but certainly is not the plan at the moment.
I think I'm late. Yeah... that's nice and definite, huh? I just don't remember exactly when I got my last period. I'm pretty regular and I've been kind of figuring I'd start "soon" for about a week and I still haven't. I don't keep strict track of my cycles all of the time but in April, May, and June I did jot down the days I started and today I found that piece of paper and looked at the calendar and... yeah... pretty sure I'm about 3 days late. And that's from when my real flow should have started. I always spot for a few days before that and I haven't even started doing that yet. Plus, I've been incredibly irritable and moody. Actually, that was the first thing I noticed. I started crying last weekend when my husband and I got into an argument while we were visiting his parents. It's been years since I've cried when we argued just because my husband was "being mean to me" (as I sobbed out last Saturday). Like, since high school. I figured then "god, I'm really PMSing" but, like I said, it's been a week and no period. Yesterday we had another fight and I was so furious I almost threw a glass at the wall. And I really shouldn't have been that angry. I think I'm peeing more than usual but then I'm not sure because I wonder if I'm just noticing how often I go because I'm wondering if I'm pregnant. I haven't had any nausea so that kind of makes me think maybe I'm not because I have been pregnant before (8 years ago) and I had terrible morning sickness then. But I did have heartburn the other night which is extremely rare for me. I just don't know what to think!
I know I should just go buy a pregnancy test and find out and I think I'm going to but I'm so torn about it because no matter what the results are, I'm going to be both happy and upset.
See... I'd be really happy if I was pregnant because I've been feeling emotionally ready to have a child for a few years now. I'm almost 28 and this is about the time I always figured I'd probably start a family (it's the age my mom was when she had me, her first and only child). But my husband and I are no where near financially ready to start a family. We're both students, I'm currently unemployed, my husband works at Toys R Us stocking shelves for minimum wage, we have no health insurance, we share an apartment with my mother, and my grandfather fills in the gaps for us month to month because he wants me to be able to focus solely on finishing my degree. In two years, we'll have our degrees and (hopefully) good jobs. But that's two years from now. If I am pregnant now, we'd be happy about the child but stressed beyond belief about the money.
And if I'm not pregnant, I'll be a bit relieved because things will be able to continue to go as planned. But I know I'll also be disappointed. And I'll feel guilty for being disappointed. Ugh.
I've spent the last three or four days growing increasingly more preoccupied each time I go to the bathroom and see I haven't started yet. It's gotten to the point where I didn't think about much else all day today. I haven't told anyone of my suspicions. My husband would just get stressed out and my mother would think I'm just fretting over nothing and my best friend would say I'm just hoping I am because she knows how much I want a child. I was really thinking that was probably the case myself until I found that paper today and realized it looks like I really am late. Since then I've thought of little else and have been driving myself crazy. I know I just need to suck it up and go buy a test and whatever the results are will probably be for the best.